Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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