My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Randomize
