There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Randomize
