fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
