just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
