I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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