I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I think I sprained my soul last night
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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