i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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