Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
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I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
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I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam