i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
