I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
