Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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