Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
