Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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