Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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