I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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