I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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