the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
