Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
