My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
