all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize