I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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