Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Blood and glitter go together right?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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