i already hear my dad disowning me
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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