I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
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