I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize