Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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