I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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