got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Can I color on your dick again?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
