I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.