There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
