hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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