Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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