did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
