Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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