Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
