Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My vagina is very pro this idea
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
