I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
All the doctor said was why
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
