We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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