People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
