he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
