And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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