Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
