Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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