Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
