Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
