Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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