Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so explain again why im purple
no
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize