Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
