my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
