we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
either way he was missing a nipple.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
