My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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