Your face is a jimmy john
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
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