Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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